In all my years in the SCA, I have never been a feastocrat. This alone is proof of Divine mercy. I have, however, been a chef on two occasions. This is how it came about:
We were visiting Baron Gordon Blackwolf and Baroness Antonia Martin de Castille shortly after they moved from the Barony of Hammerhold to the Barony of Axemoor. Antonia had bought a stuffed moosehead to decorate their house and Isolde and I went along with her Excellency when she picked the moosehead up from a French Quarter shop. This was no ordinary moosehead; it was made of plush and bore a silly expression not unlike that of Bullwinkle J. Moose. When I saw it, I got an inspiration stolen directly from The Muppet Show.
Midway through the next Axemoor feast, Baron Beorn called for the chef to come forth. This was my cue and I bounced out of the kitchen pushing a stainless steel cart with a large pot on it. I was wearing a voluminous white smock, a paper chef’s hat and was singing the Swedish Chef's theme song. When I finished the "Bort! Bort! Bort!", I flipped the wooden spoon I was carrying over my shoulder and in my best Scandinavian gibberish proceeded to tell the assembled populace how to make chocolate moose. The recipe consisted of placing Antonia's moosehead in the pot along with a giant size Hershey bar.
The sthick was quite well received and so was the giant Hershey bar which I left on the cart for the real kitchen crew. Many gentles requested I do another Viking gourmet, but I declined as I didn't have any good ideas for a second sthick and I didn't want to disappoint my audience. This condition lasted for about two years when inspiration struck again.
Baron Gordon Blackwolf was Baron of Axemoor at this time and when he called for the chef, I bounced out of the kitchen as before. This time I had a rubber chicken that I put into the pot along with a can of corn. Next, I carefully measured out two fingers of white wine, which I promptly chugged. After choking I declared the wine, "Smouuth," and then added the final ingredient: a jar of rocks.
At this point, I could see the little question marks popping up over the heads of those at the high table as they had no idea what I was supposed to be making. With a flourish, I announced that I had just made Roc Cornish Hen. I fled the presence of the high table while being pelted with bread and other small objects.
Duke Caridoc of the Bow later told me that at the last instant, he realized what I was up to but he was too late to stop the horrible pun! All in all, the second appearance of the Viking gourmet was as big a hit with everyone as his first was. The possible exception to this was the kitchen crew, who were disappointed that they didn't get another chocolate bar.